At this point there is no way that this post is going to be anywhere close to coherent. I'll just say it before I even start.........

The holidays are great because I always get to go to Kentucky and see my family, but the holidays are also incredibly stressful because I usually have a million other things going on that need to be strategically coordinated.

This year seems to be worse than any other. I find myself thinking about Mom quite a bit. It's not that I don't normally think of her, but lately it's been what I would call uncontrollable. I don't know if it's the stress of the past few months that's bringing this on or if it's the reality that she is gone that is causing all the stress.

Since February I've gone between being numb to feeling all out despair. I've also known that it is only going to get worse before it gets better. I hope this is the "worse" part.........
I'm not trying to worry anyone. This is a normal as far as I can tell. I think that I just want to say that I may be even less accessible than normal for a while. I feel pulled in a million different directions and I will admit that it's taking a toll on me. I haven't been me lately. I haven't been the best friend, sister, daughter, mother, niece or anything lately......and I need to regroup. I need to deal with things on my own...figure them out on my own....refocus.

And I'm pretty sure all of what I need to do starts with Mom.


So, that's that.

Xander took this:)

I'm sure I'll think of something to say after I post this but, until that happens I'll leave it at this:

Xander was playing with my point and shoot resulting in several interesting pics:) They are in photobucket.

Enjoy

xo

30 Days Until Christmas.....

After loosing my tree that I only bought 2 years ago, buying a new one(and decorating it), then finding the old one.....I feel like the countdown to Christmas is starting off well:)

I have to admit it is cheering to decorate a Christmas tree. I love all the little ornaments I've collected over the years. Now my collection has been merged with Mom's collection. Now I have ornaments Rachel made when she was little and the angel topper I gave Mom the first Christmas after she was on her own after 10 years of marriage. I also have an M&M ornament I'm pretty sure belongs to Clint, but it's mine now:P

I was thinking that I should post this pic of the tree then at the end of the month when HeartBreaker and Xander have had their way with it.

Yep. That's what I'll do.

Thanksgiving was..........

............filling.

I finally posted Rachel's Homcoming pics to photobucket. I am not impressed by them. I was late, we were rushed, Xander was there being an adorable distraction.

It is painfully apparent in the photos that I was not paying attention. They aren't exposed correctly; some areas are to light, others to dark. Poor Rachel and Elliot don't have feet in the majority of the shots and for some reason they are backlit with no use of flash.

If you would like to see them anyway, they are in photobucket.

" You don't pay back your parents. You can't. The debt you owe them gets collected by your children, who hand it down in turn. It's a sort of entailment. Or, if you don't have children of the body, it's left as a debt to your common humanity."

-Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign, 1999

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."- Helen Keller

Let's Share....

....Just thought I'd make a post to let you all know there

are some more pics of Xander in Photobucket.

Enjoy at your leisure:)

Chicken Butt....

....This year when Xander and I went costume shopping I fully expected that he would be insistent about which costume he wanted. To my delight he passed up Thomas the Train costumes, Lightning McQueen costumes and the like. He really didn't seem interested in any costume at all. Even when I explained (in case he forgot....he's only 3 you know.) that he needed to pick out a costume in order to go trick-or-treating and get ......CANDY. That didn't grab his attention either.

So, I decided to take full advantage of what will probably be the last time I will be able to pick out a costume that will thoroughly embarrass him when he brings his first girl friend home and I break out the baby pictures. As you can see I chose a fuzzy, cuddly, absolutely adorable chicken costume. His first girlfriend will think it's the cutest......and every girlfriend after that will too.

Sadly, I didn't get to parade him around for Halloween. I had to work in the lab, but Tony took him out to Onsted to visit Poppy and with every intention of going trick-or-treating. Apparently he was serious when he said he didn't care about the.... CANDY. He informed Tony and Clint that he was "tired" and wanted to play with "Poppy trains".

Okay then......fair enough I guess.

end.

Poor Kitten....

....Oh my goodness. A few days ago Xander tried to flush Heartbreaker down the toilet.

This is her after being rescued and bathed.

I don't think anything else needs to be said.

It's becoming apparent to me that my life is typically rather boring. However, every so often a series of life changing events will happen.........all at once. So far this year has dished out an overwhelming amount of changes for me. Some I couldn't control, or at least I try to convince myself of that; others I suppose I brought on myself. While there are days (more than I like to admit) where I feel very overwhelmed; it is precisely the end of these days that I find myself stronger and more aware of my goals and how to achieve them.

As most everyone already knows, Tony and I have seperated. While it seemed abrupt, it was something we knew was going to happen. Tony is a wonderful person, and a great father. There are so many ways that he has become a solid part of my life and those will not change. Our focus now is Xander and coordinating our lives to provide a happy enviornment for him.

Xander seems to be adjusting well to the changes. He has been asserting his independance and going through his temper tantrums and utter mode of destruction. These things are normal, I know, but coincided with a time when he has become confused about Mom being gone. All of these things on top of adjusting to two homes is quite a bit for a feisty three year old to handle. While he has his days, he seems to be adjusting just fine. He is talking so much more and so much more clearly. He "reads" himself books when I'm so tired my eyes can't focus. He tries to flush many things down the toilet at once, and has picked up a nasty habit of constantly having his hands in his mouth. He enjoys pushing the elevator buttons in my apartment building and will get very irritated if someone does it before him, and to my delite has become a very willing model. Xander is just a happy, curious, and super friendly little boy. So curious sometimes that he seriously distracts me from homework......

I have two more semesters of classes left and then (yay!)I will finally graduate. On one hand I am beside myself with excitement that it's almost over, and on the other I'm terrified of what's going to happen next. I have never had any intentions of staying in Michigan, ever. So, now I face the rather daunting task of getting my portfolio together and finding an internship. Where will my internship be? I do not know. Are there places I would really like my internship to be? Yes. Only time, some hard work and very thoughtout decision making will tell.....let's keep our fingers crossed:)

On top of all the craziness I've decided there are certain things I need to catch up on.

1) I need to read more. Not school related things, but other things. Anything really....the news would be a start I guess.

2)I need to watch more movies. So many of my friends watch movies all the time.....I rarely get to:(

3) I need to workout. I was doing really good over the summer, the past month I haven't moved any more than necessary.

4) Sleep. I don't really sleep that much, then I'll get so exhausted I sleep all the time. It goes back and forth in that vicous circle and makes me very unpleasant to be around:P

5) Make more blog posts.....I am such a slacker lately...

6) Call my friends and family more. There's just so many of you I wouldn't get anything done if I talked to you all the time:P

Being physically far from most of the people I care about is hard, but through all of the ups and downs I've experienced lately and through out my life I've always had amazing support from my family and friends. While I tend to be stubborn and do things the hard way, I realize now more than ever that I would not be where I am today without them. I would not have the strength to push forward without the safety net of unconditional love that they provide. Regardless of whether they are next door or many states away I somehow, someway have been insanely lucky enough to have formed such solid relationships based on trust and love that the distance doesn't care.

So, with that thought I think I will end this. It's becoming rather long and rambling anyway.....one more reason to do these more often I guess.

One more thing, I have finally posted some new picks to photobucket. Enjoy:)

Summer is Good....

Nothing of interest to say, just wanted to let you know there are more pics in photobucket. Also, class is getting out a week earlier than I thought. That means a trip down to Ky. is going to happen! Pending of course there are no disasters of any kind:)

Hugs to you all...

Scattered...

Well......exciting times. Two Sundays ago we took Xander to see Thomas and Friends Live! at the Fox theatre. He wasn't feeling so hot, but he loved it. I have to say it was rather entertaining.....or maybe I just need to get out more! They didn't allow cameras, sad. I did however take some really bad shots with my camera phone! I just haven't got around to uploading them yet.

This past weekend I photographed a wedding. It went incredibly well. Jo was my assistant....couldn't have done it without her. Also last weekend I did some senior portraits and they didn't turn out half bad either. Yay Me!!

Sometime within the past couple weeks I thought it would be a good idea to go to a job site with Tony and take some shots. Not one of my better ideas. The guys aren't to comfortable around the camera and of course the one day I decide to go they're on a really steep roof. Hence the look of terror on my face in the above shot(I know it looks like I'm actually laughing, but trust me it wasn't funny at all). I got up there just fine, and then froze. It was hilarious.....or at least the guys thought so. To top it all off there wasn't really anything to photograph once I got up there.

So, that's that. Just scattering myself all over the place lately:)

Potty Training Complete!!!!

The last weekend of May I put Xander through a "crash" course in potty training. I was determined to have him potty trained before he was 3. While I waited until the last minute, he came out of it much better than when he went in. However; he was still having accidents so I hesitated to get to excited. I am happy to report that the past week there have been no accidents in the pants, or on the couch or in the bed, in the car seat..etc...etc...! I never thought I would be so happy to see turds in the toilet.

This coming Tuesday will be my final day of spring classes. I am not ashamed to say that I really don't care what my final grade is so long as I don't fail......this math (if quantitative reasoning should even be called a math :P) class is so completely asinine and drawn out much longer than needed.

My summer ceramics class will start a week after my spring final (i'm taking requests for vases and ashtrays:P). Xander will start a tumbling/gymnastics class in July (hopefully) and in August we will be going to North Carolina.....I can't wait for that trip. It will be nice to get away and just enjoy the company and scenery.

Throw in some photo gigs, trying to plan a visit to Ky, planting some flowers and that is what this summer is adding up to be.


*more pics in photobucket of course:)

Xander is 3!!!!

We had Xander's birthday celebration today. He made out like a bandit as usual. Cars, trains, sand boxes (yep, he got two), sand, transformers, clothes, bubble makers and even a kite. He loved playing with Taylor, wearing himself out every nite. He loves it, as do I, when we all get together. Even though we are all usually exhausted by the end of it all.

Thanks to Aunt Mitzi and JC we had delicious burgers. Uncle JD put together the sand box and played with the transformers. Auntie Miha provided plenty of sand for the sand boxes. Tony, Mitzi,Taylor, JC and I attempted to fly a kite.......with no wind it didn't work out so well. Aunt Sissy joined us as well, but I'm not sure what she was doing throughout the day. Oh that's right, she kept Poppy entertained with her girly stories......

Now it's late, and we are both tired.

^&*#@!!!#&%$@#@#!!!

My computer finally died.....a quick, beeping, smoking, sputtering death. I'm sad, but mostly REALLY frustrated. Of course I can barely find the lightswitch in the office so the unit was taken to someone who might possibly be able to fix it....since I have a tendancy to exaggerate when I get frustrated said person has agreed to take a look at it before it's trashed.
Either way I must have a new computer and soon. Even if the old one is salvagable it's to slow for my photo stuff. Plus I want CS2 and a laptop..:P


Xander is a turkey as usual. Talking more everyday, and singing too! He stole the stage at the Greek Festival we went to over the weekend. I'll post pics when I get my computer back. It was hilarious! His birthday is next week. I can't believe he'll be 3. They really do grow up to quickly.

Not much else is going on. I've done a few photo gigs and am booked for a couple more, so hopefully the working trend will continue. I'm not going to go into the details of my recent hair coloring nor will I scare you with the happenings at my latest laser hair removal appointment......because not only is that boring to anyone but me, but it's gross too.

Ah yes.....my life is so exciting:P

Nothing new going on.....

.....I'm taking my last math course this spring. Fun times. During the summer term I will be taking ceramics. I anticipate this will also be fun times.

Xander is in daycare 3 days a week. I've been trying to take him on more outtings seeing that the weather has been gorgeous lately. The image above is from our trip to the UM Natural History Museum. Xander would stop his mad dashing to look at the dinosaurs and other displays. If he stops running for anything you know he's interested!

He will be going to the Toledo Zoo next week with his daycare. I'm slightly jealous....I wanna go to the zoo! We are planning on taking our own trip there soon. Tony and I both love the zoo and I know Xander is old enough now that he will get a huge kick out of it:) On our outting to the park with auntie Heehaw (Miha) we came across some goslings that actually let us touch them!! I think I was more excited than Xander. Of course I didn't have my camera.

A job for me is in the near future. Whether it's going to be at Starbucks, in a studio or for myself is yet to be decided. It seems very feasible at this point to get a job of some sort. My classes should only take up 2 days a week (sans lab time and studying) for the remainder of my semesters until I graduate. I've been working on getting flyers made to post around town. Also, I've been working on getting up a website to house my portfolio. Both of these projects are half done! At least I have buisness cards ordered:P

Other than all the daily comings and goings we're doing well. I feel like a crazy lady most of the time and forget my name most days....but, I think that will pass soon enough. I hope.

As of Mom's birthday I began what I think is a ritual that I will continue. I bought a card, filled it out, sealed it and put it in a box. Sounds crazy, but it makes me feel better. I think it makes me think actively about her and with each card the reality sinks in a little more. Most of the time I still feel numb.....the cards make me feel something. So far there is a birthday card and a mother's day card in the box.

I don't know how many of my family members (and friends:)) still read this. I know I haven't kept it up like I should. But, if you do know that I love you. I love you all so very much. I think of everyone of you every single day. I took Mom's strength for granted and now.......................

I don't know how to say what I'm thinking or feeling........rest assured I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Kissing Bandit!!!...

Check out photobucket! Xander got into my lipstick and ultimately covered me in several tiny little kissy marks.....it was quite sweet.

Me, Tony and Xander

More pics on photobucket:)

He said Granny......

He finally said Granny. I wasn't sure what to tell him. Since he has been asking for her for a while I decided to tell him that we can't see Granny to hug her, but we can see her in our hearts and talk to her in our hearts. I'm not sure if he understands completely, but I didn't want to lie to him. I think he will understand eventually.

Love you all.

Growing up!!

I haven't written much about how Xander's been growing lately, and he has been growing! Let's see.....for a while now he's really enjoyed reading his alphabet and numbers but would never say them on his own or with coersion! Just the other day he picked up his alphabet flash cards and scrambled them all about(he loves to scramble things about) and then picked up various cards and was saying the letter each card had on them....without anyone helping him!! Needless to say he's been talking quite a bit more, asking what things are and repeating it back. No full and coherent sentences yet, but he's on his way!
He also likes to stand on his stool and help me in the kitchen and he really enjoys helping out with the laundry! His opinions are getting stronger and loves to inform us that it's time to go bye-bye when he becomes bored or irritated. I've also gotten him addicted to Flickr. It's a photosharing website and he loves to browse for Geo's (trains).
That's about all I can think of......I really should write things down more often as to not forget, but I usually run around like a crazy woman most of the time. The pic is after he thought Mommy's coffee mug had "pop" in it.........yeah, he was not happy to say the least! I had to kiss his tongue to make it better!!! The things mother's have to do sometimes.
There are some new pics in photobucket.

*Mitzi, if you read this...I'm learning some new tricks in class as far as image correction goes, so I'm still working on Taylor's shots. Hope you haven't decided to disown me for being so late with them. Remember.....I Love You.

:P

Check out the website if you think this is just your speed! They have some very comical e-cards.**but, please don't if you are sensitive.Some of them might be considered offensive.**

http://www.meish.org/vd/

Well...that's odd.....

I really don't like this pic of myself, but it's the only one that would render any look alikes. Not what I expected..I'll say that.

Getting Cabin Fever.......

Xander's been very antsy lately. It's been far to cold to play outside and our trip to Echo Valley was cancelled for this weekend due to the fact that it's going to be way to cold to play outside with a 2 1/2 year old. Oh, who am I kidding...........It's to cold for me to play outside!
Granny and Poppy have rescued him twice in the past couple weeks from the boredom that is Mommy.
I'm busy with school and my camera. One of my pics was selected to be published in Eastern's art's publication Cellar Roots. So, I'll be off to the gallery opening on March 13 where my image will be in a showcase of all the work that will be published in Cellar Roots.Quite frankly I was stunned, but excited none the less.

Not much else is happening..........I guess I am a magnet for boredom.

!!

Well, Xander has been growing. We still haven't been able to interest him in the potty, but I think that's ok for now. He's talking more, mostly repeating words, and at last we are beginning to communicate a bit better!
Nothing of interest has really been going on here. Same old,same old.

The pic of Xander and Tony I took tonite when I got home from class and caught them sleeping! The other is of Xander and Poppy (Clint). Xander spent the nite at Granny and Poppy's the other day and Poppy was nice enough to get out his electric train set. Xander would have watched it for hours I believe.

Of course there's more in photobucket if you feel the need:)

I thought it was January?????

Wasn't Christmas over a week ago?? Then why do the gifts keep pouring in, and the one year that I was a scrooge! Xander has gotten so many gifts this year he doesn't even know what to do with himself. I hope that doesn't happen again because I'm afraid he will end up.....well.....spoiled. Still, no one seems to listen. MOM & MITZI!
Classes start on Monday. I think this semester will be slightly easier to handle than the last, at least I hope so or the chances that I'll have a nervous breakdown are pretty high.
Mom starts her class on Monday as well. I'm excited for her and hope that her shoulder injury doesn't prevent her from attending.

I can't say I'm particularly excited about the upcoming year. I think it's because it's my last year of school and it seems to be dragging along. I'm getting nervous about graduating and quite frankly my house depresses me, but I push on..........and on.